When Things Don't Go According To Plan

Certain decisions in life has made me lazy, uninspired and bitchy. Kinda like this dog. OH wait, this dog isn't as bitchy as I am. Wow my life.

You know, I was in 3rd year HS when I realized what I wanted to do in life: I wanted to be a web designer living in a condominium in Singapore.It was pretty simple, straight to the point and I was pretty damn confident about it....until I actually entered college.

I was surprised that the course I took did NOT involve doing web design. It was basically hardcore programming with a dash of management courses. You can only just imagine what I know- I was only into Photoshop and HTML and CSS and none of that PHP-JSP-.NET things. I was really annoyed by this fact BUT at the same time I wasn't going to let THAT hinder me from getting a diploma I desperately fought for when my parents wanted me to become a Nurse. I just, I had too much pride in me to admit that I was wrong. I WAS HELL WRONG.



So I just thought to myself- No biggie, I'd still get that web design work I wanted, I just had to apply after college. They'd hire me fo'sho!

But, no. Nobody was interested. Why? I didn't have any portfolio to showcase. Why didn't I have a portfolio? I was too busy concentrating on programming languages I hated but I needed to learn anyway because if I didn't study hard, I wouldn't get a degree. Why didn't I shift? Again, I have to much pride. I still won't admit to my parents that I MADE A MISTAKE.

Now I'm just caught in this whole mess because of too much pride. I'm still trying and convincing myself on how to overcome this and finally admit to my parents that I don't like SAP, I don't like BW/BI and I want to design webpages.

Then why don't I go ahead and do it? It's because I feel like I'm disappointing my parents. After graduating, I mentioned to them that I really want to design webpages but they kinda dismissed it. I guess it was because they really didn't see me do that so it would be really random if I tell them that my passion, since the beginning, was web design. And that's the thing with me also- I don't like to disappoint my parents.

But even though I'll get over that (I hope I do, and I hope really soon), I just don't know where to start with the whole web design thing. You know I was out of the web design game for 3 years? I have already devoted all of my time and energy for learning something I did not like. I was merely doing it for the money, and that's not good. I have lost all of my passion and love for living and my current work made me into this.....lifeless creature. I barely smile on weekdays, I mope around, I desperately hold on to my dreams and beat myself up for not doing something about it. It's frustrating. It's sad. I'm totally losing it.

I sometimes wish that I would give myself a break and not think about what others, especially my parents, feel about all this. Hay, why can't life be simple huh?